Loved Me Then or Now and Forever
by exploradora
Summary: Set in season 11 after Abby's abduction but just before she got together with Jake.Abby must choose between Carter and Jake. Lots of Jabby and Carby moments, but who will she end up with? Lots of twists and turns, cliff hangers and all that fun stuff!
1. A new beginning

It was another busy day at county general hospital for the ER staff. It seemed like every one was on over load including Dr. Lockhart who was taking a minute to breath at the admit desk. She smiled to her self as she realized that this was the first time she felt at home back at county after her abduction only a couple months ago. Susan came up and yelled out "Multiple GSW in 5 minutes!"

"How many?"

"Three but one is in really bad shape." Susan replied

Abby took a deep breath and scanned the ER quickly. She spotted Carter and Wendall just across the room, probably making dinner plans. He seemed so happy but she still missed him.

"Abby!" Luka called out and broke her out of her trance. He was rolling a gang member screaming in pain to the trauma room. "Get the next one!"

Pratt was already out in the ambulance bay helping the paramedics bring him down. One started yelling out the bullet, but Abby didn't hear him.

"Loose…" she whispered under her breath.

"ABBY!" Pratt yelled "you got this or not!"

She stared at him blankly for a moment then shook her head and stepped aside.

"Alright I'll take him. Come on people lets move!" Pratt seemed a little ticked but he'd never seen Abby get so flustered at the sight of a GSW to abdomen.

Abby just stood there in shock, staring at the ground when another ambulance came tearing into the ER. All of a sudden it all came back. The night air of two months ago ran through her nose, the taste of her cigarette burning her tongue, and the voice of a kid yelling 'Help!' rang in her ears. She felt dazzed and confused as the ambulance bay whirled around her.

"ABBY!" Sam called out "Are you okay?"

Abby turned and just looked at her with all the pain she thought had finally gone away. "I'm fine" she mumbled under her breath as she walked back into the ER and straight into the lounge. How could this have happened? She broke into tears as she struggled to sit down on the couch.

"Abby?" She heard Susan whisper. "Abby, what's wrong?"

Susan felt her stomach turn when she heard who had just come into the ER. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah" Abby replied as she lowered her head."

"Alright stay in here as long as you want and you're off for the rest of the day. Hell, take another month if you need to. I'm off in a couple hours. You want me to stop by?"

Abby took another deep breath, closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Too bad I'm coming. I'll see you then."

Susan walked out of the lounge and saw Pratt coming toward her with a look of defeat on his face.

"Pratt, did he make it?" Susan asked

"No, he…"

"Good" Susan cut him off "make sure he gets down to the morgue NOW and don't let Abby see him again."

A few minutes after Susan had left her, Jake came into the lounge and saw her trying to regain her composure.

"Hey" he said. "What's wrong?"

"Hey" was all abby could get out.

Jake squatted down to eye level with her and tilted his head "Looks like you've had a bad day."

Abby just smirked and replied "yeah, I guess you could say that."

"I'm off in five minutes. You want to go get a drink and talk about it?"

Abby just looked at him. She really didn't want to be alone, and did she ever feel like getting a drink! But with a med student?

"Umm no. No I really shouldn't…"

"Come on. We can go just long enough for you to catch your breath and for me to say I had a drink with the best looking doctor at County." He joked

Abby had to smile at that one. "Alright."


	2. A new friend

Carter had the biggest smile on his face! Everything was going so great with Wendall. She was pretty, smart, athletic, and best of all she had no idea what his past had been like. It was like a fresh breeze was carrying him off his feet. "Hey Susan!" He called out. But he changed his tone when he saw the stressed look on her face. "What's wrong?"

"The creep who abducted Abby came into the ER."

"Oh" Carter didn't know what to say. "Is he still here? Did she see him?"

"Yes and yes. Except he's down in the morgue. Abby's pretty shook up, but I sent her home and gave her time off."

Carter just nodded. He could remember when the psycho who had stabbed him rolled through the ER again. It was one of the worst days ever. "Well, I'm off now. I just have vomiting in curtain 1 if you could take care of it for me. Wendall and I have dinner reservations."

"Sorry Carter. I have a meeting with Weaver now."

Carter scanned the ER for another unsuspecting victim..er..doctor. He smiled to himself as he thought about the great time he was in for that night.

"Luka! Help me out here, I have a dinner reservation and one patient that needs a good healing hand."

"Sorry Carter but…" Carter gave him a puppy look " Fine, but you're going to have to explain to Alex why I'm not home to play x-box."

"Thank you Luka!" Carter yelled out as he ran toward the lounge and into the arms of his newest love.

"Ready to go?" Wendall asked.

"Ready and grumbling! I haven't eaten hardly anything all day"

AT A BAR…

"I'm really sorry Abby. No one told me how…" Jake said

"No it's alright. The fewer people that know about that night and give me sympathy looks the better. Still just seeing…"

Jake stopped her. "Maybe we should talk about something else. Want another drink?"

"No I really shouldn't. I was, well I guess I am, a recovering alcoholic." Abby replied

"Oh. Wow I'm really hitting all the wrong buttons here."

Abby just rolled her eyes and smiled. It was nice to start on a clean slate. Some one who knew nothing about her. It was like. . .no. She wasn't ready for love again...was she? No, it must be that double cranberry vodka talking. 'Better not lead him on,' she thought to herself.

"So…is there anything else I should know about you before I stick my foot in my mouth again?" Jake asked.

'Bingo!' Abby thought to herself 'This'll scare him off' She took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes. "Well lets see. I have a bi polar mother who was neglectful and pretty much left me to raise my baby brother who about two years ago became bi polar and drove away the man of my dreams who I loved even more than my ex husband who screwed me over during my first round of med school by not paying the tuition." She decided not to add in the abortion. There's only so much you should share over a drink.

Jake just stared at her.

Abby smiled to herself. Another one bites the dust. She finished her drink and gathered her purse and scarf to leave.

But as she turned to get off the bar stool Jake caught her in a kiss. It was soft and just right. How long had it been since she'd felt like this? He stopped just before she had the chance to kiss back.

"Sorry…It's just. It seems like you're so hurt, and I don't want to rush you into anything, but maybe you need some one to help you carry all that baggage you have walled up inside."

"I don't want help…"

"I know. I just don't want you to have to deal with all that alone. I'm here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on."

"Thanks…" was all Abby could get out. Then her cell phone went off. It was Susan.

"Hey" Susan said from the other end "You had me worried I called your apartment and you weren't there. Where are you?"

"Sorry Suz. I was just…um…talking with a new…friend." Jake smiled at her "Go on home to Chuck and Cosmo."

"Abby…are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm going be fine." She smiled at Jake


	3. Invitation

About a couple months later…

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BE….

Abby rolled over after she hit the alarm. She hated getting up in the mornings. Uck! Jake pulled her into a hug and they laid down to cuddled for a while.

"Hey now, no falling back to sleep." He said as he nudged her.

"Just 5 more minutes" she pleaded.

"Nope it's a bran new day and I have coffee all ready for you."

Abby smiled and kissed him. "Did you sleep alright last night?"

"Best night of my life" He beamed back at her. "What time do you work?"

"At one…you?"

"Same. You know this means we'll be coming into work together."

"Yeah, but I'm sure the nurses have had us figured out for a while now."

Carter strolled into the ER with summer on his mind. He couldn't believe it was May already. He stopped short as he saw who was walking in right in front of him. Abby with Jake who had his arm around her. They walked through the doors and shared a quick kiss before Jake went up to the admit desk and Abby to the lounge. He couldn't believe it at first. He had never pictured Abby with anyone else…but whatever. Why should he care. He was in love with Wendall.

"Morning Carter!" Susan called out as he walked in. "I have a nice full rack of waiting patients for you."

"where are you off to?" Carter asked as he pointed at her coat.

"I came in at 6. Chuck needs me at home to watch Cosmo for a bit. But here take this." It was a small piece of paper. 'ER BANQUET'

"What's this?" he asked.

"We're having an evening of fine dinning and dancing. It's been so long since I got to put on a dress and kick back with friends. I talked it over with Kerry and she thought it'd be a good bonding experience for the staff. And you're coming! So don't try to get out of it."

Carter gave her an innocent look. "Fine. Does Wendall know about it yet?"

"No but I'm assuming you'll warn her. It's in two weeks." Susan called out as she walked out of the ER and handed Luka and Sam their invitation as they came back through the ambulance bay.

"Where have you two been?" Carter asked the happy couple.

"We were on break and got something to eat. What's this?" Luka asked.

"Susan's excuse to get dolled up and out of the house." They all smiled "It should be fun. But right now we have a bunch of patients so get crackin'"

Abby opened her locker and a small piece of paper fell out. 'ER BANQUET'

"You got one too?"

She turned around and smiled at Jake as he came up to her.

"Yeah, did you hear about this?"

"Yup. I told Susan we'd be there, if you don't mind."

Abby laughed to herself. "But I don't have a thing to wear." She said playfully

"Well that's fine by me" Jake replied as he leaned in for a kiss.

Just then Carter walked in. Abby and Jake jumped apart. Slightly startled and blushing.

"Oh sorry" Carter said a bit startled himself.

"No, I was just heading out" Abby said as she grabbed her lab coat. She looked Carter in the eye and felt her heart melt a bit. There was something different about the way he had just looked at her. Almost…hurt? She shook it off and walked out.

"So you and Abby…" Carter said to Jake

"Yeah" Jake replied

"Oh……well you know, she can be a hand full."

"Yeah, I know. But it's going well so far."

"Good" Carter said as he left the lounge nodding his head "Good"


	4. The Banquet

Two weeks later, a brisk beautiful evening at a convention hall with adjoining garden is where they decide to hold the event.

Carter was running late. But as he rushed up to Wendall's door whatever breath he had left was gone when he saw her. She looked beautiful in a classic sparkling black dress with spaghetti straps.

"Hang on a second I have to finish putting my hair up! Sorry I lost track of time." She said to Carter as she walked back in to her place. Carter quickly fixed his tux and checked in a mirror to make sure his hair wasn't up.

"Take you're time. You look great!" he noticed a vase with flowers he bought for her a while ago sitting on the table.

She smiled as she came back into the room. "Ready?"

"You still have the flowers I gave you?"

"Oh. Yeah. Why did you bring fresh ones to replace them?" she asked playfully while trying to peak behind his back.

"Nope" He showed her his hands.

"Well maybe next time. Here I'll toss these out to make room. They look so dead.

"Well, they're dead as soon as you cut them."

"True. Anyway, ready to go?"

"Yeah. Ready" He smiled at her, but for some reason he couldn't get Abby out of his head.

As they walked into the hall, everything was decorated with silver stars and black and blue balloons. "Kinda reminds me of my high school prom." Wendall commented to Carter

"And did you have a good time?"

"yeah. But it would have been better if you'd have been there" She said as she straightened his tie.

Candles were on every table and music was playing in the back ground. Carter saw a couple seats open next to Susan, Chuck, Chuny, and her date. They exchanged complements and the girls checked out each others dresses. Then as they sat down dinner was served.

Abby watched Carter and Wendall come in from a distance. She and Jake were already sitting with Luka, Sam, Neela and Gallant. Jake put his arm around her as he told a joke to Luka.

"How have things been with you and Jake?" Sam asked

"Everything is great!" She said with a smile. "I didn't know I could be happy like this again."

Sam shot her a small doubtful look. She had noticed Abby's longing gaze in Carter's direction earlier. But before she could say anything, dinner was served.

As the desserts were finished and people sat around enjoying each others company, Susan got up to make an announcement.

"Hey everybody! How's it going out there!"

Everyone whistled and yelled back their approval.

"I just wanted to let everyone know that you all mean so much to me. I know this transition from co-worker to boss hasn't been easy.." a few chuckles came from the crowd. "But it's really great to know I'm working with such wonderful doctors and nurses…hell, really I'm working with my friends. So anyway it's time to get out of those chairs and dance!" A great big round of applause came from everyone and the music began.

Jake stood up from his seat and held out his hand

"Abby, may I have this dance?"

"I really don't dance." She answered slyly

"Well neither do I, but lets try." She smiled and rolled her eyes as he took her hands and lead her on to the dance floor.

_Where once the moon was just a rock spinning in the sky,_

_Where once the stars were only tiny points of light,_

Now the moon looks like it's heaven's shining pearl 

_Now those stars, they look like windows into another world._

_Look what Love has done to me,_

_Look what Love has done._

_There's poetry in all I see._

_Look what Love has done._

_And my heart is dancing through each day,_

_My soul is running free._

_Look what Love has done to me_

Jake took her into his arms as they swayed together to the music. Abby could almost feel herself falling asleep in his arms. Everything seemed to fit. He lightly kissed her on the head as she smiled into his chest.

_Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness,_

_Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest,_

_Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life._

_Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies_.

"Ow!" Jake said as Abby stepped on his foot.

"Sorry!"

"No no, it's ok. Just stay close." He tightened his grip around her waist and softly whispered in her ear "Don't pull back."

_Look what Love has done to me,_

_Look what Love has done._

_This must be how it's meant to be._

_Look what Love has done._

_And my heart is dancing through each day,_

_My soul is running free._

_Look what love has done to me_

Carter sat at the table scanning the crowd of happy co workers while Wendall and Chuny talked about a little girl who had been in the ER last week. Then he saw her…. She looked beautiful in her strapless royal blue dress. Her hair half pulled back and lightly set on her shoulders. She seemed so happy, but why couldn't he be happy? He thought he was, but all his reasons for letting her go years ago seemed to fail him now. Did he make a mistake? Did she feel the same? Jake jumped a bit and then pulled her close…too close.

"Carter?" Wendall asked

"hm?"

"You want to dance?"

"Oh sure." He took Wendall's hand and led her out to the dance floor.


	5. Comfortable

The songs played on and Carter kept a steady gaze on Abby and Jake. But she never seemed to notice him. Her head was resting on Jake's chest and she'd look up with those beautiful eyes and kiss him lightly on the cheek.

"Carter? Carter!" Wendall said.

"yeah" Carter replied

"You seem a bit distracted"

"Only because you're so beautiful" he replied

Wendall gave his a quick kiss "I'll be back in a bit. I need to go talk to Neela."

Carter looked over toward Abby again, but Jake was gone. As Carter made his way across the room Comfortable by John Mayer came on.

"Hey there"

"Hi"

"Susan sure knows how to throw a party huh?"

"Yeah"

"Where'd Jake run off to."

"Oh. He just wanted to ask Luka a few questions. He's nervous about graduation and all."

"Understandable." They stood there for another moment not quite sure what to say.

"Would you like to dance?" Carter finally asked.

"I'm sure Jake will be back soon." Abby said, trying not to meet his gaze.

"Please, just one song" She looked up at him and into those huge brown eyes that had done her in so many times before. Carefully he took her hand and led her back on to the floor.

Our love was  
Comfortable  
And so broken in

She's perfect   
So flawless  
Or so they say

Could this really be happening? She hadn't felt this close to Carter in so long. She glanced over at Susan who smiled a bit. And Sam just looked at her with a slight nod. She tried to keep some space between them, but part of her longed to feel him engulf her in his arms again.

She thinks I can't see  
The smile that she's faking  
Poses for pictures  
That aren't being taken

"Abby"

I love you

"Yes, Carter?"

Grey sweat pants

"You look so beautiful tonight"

No make up

"You look pretty good yourself"

So perfect

Our love was  
Comfortable  
And so broken in

She's perfect   
So flawless  
I'm not impressed  
I want you back

Abby turned her head to check where Jake was, but he and Luka were now surrounded by all the other med students. Carter pulled her closer and she looked up into his eyes.

"John…"

"shhhh" he hushed "Come with me." He took her by the hand and led her out into the garden.


	6. The garden

They were walking out to one of the large trees when Abby stopped.

"Carter what are you doing?" she asked softly, shaking her head. she felt confused and guilty for leaving Jake inside.

Honestly he really didn't know what he was doing. It had been so long, but he just had to know. So he walked back up to her, cupped his hands around her face and kissed her.

He kissed her, strong and purposefully, with all the love he thought he had forgotten, but so afraid that she didn't feel the same. Then he felt her respond, urging him to continue. Everything from two years ago rushed through her. She felt tense and relaxed all at the same time. The kiss deepened with all the love and pain, but she broke it off.

"Wait…wait wait wait wait. You can't just… do this John!" A single tear rolled down her cheek in the moon light.

"Abby I'm sorry"

"We can't do this. I'm with Jake now and you're with..."

Carter stopped her "Abby, please. I miss you."

"And I missed you too. For two years John. I waited. Why now? I finally feel like I might have found someone to fill the void you left and now this?"

"Abby…"

"Please" Abby, was emotionally exhausted. "Please John. I loved you with all that I had. And if you really want me back, I don't have the strength to say no. Please don't tempt me to say yes."

"I know things were hard." Abby rolled her eyes and chuckled a little to the side as if to say you're telling me. "But I…I just don't feel complete with out you. And I don't know why I never asked you to marry me when I had the chance."

"Well actually you did." Abby replied as she wiped her eyes. "And I should have said yes when I had the chance."

Carter raised his eyebrow "You would have said yes?" he asked as he held her bare shoulders.

"No! I mean yes. No!" Abby shook her head and walked away a few steps. She regained herself turned back to look at him. He looked so handsome in the night's light. But…she had to say it with enough confidence to convince not only him, but also herself "That was then Carter. This is now. I loved you then but Jake loves me now."

Carter paused and nodded his head

"And do you love him?" He asked curiously as he stepped toward her.

She sighed "I don't know. Maybe. It's all so new. I can't say for sure."

"Do you still love me?" He asked while looking deep into her eyes and placing his hands on her hips.

"John…"

"Please, I just need to know. Whether you're with me or not. I need to know." Another tear flowed down her cheek as she bit her bottom lip…"Please Abby"

"Abby?" they heard a man's voice call out from behind

"Carter?" a woman asked


	7. Waiting

"What are you guys doing!" Sam ran up to them. "Wendall is looking all over for you Carter."

"And Jake is getting curious too." Luka added.

"Come on" Sam said as she walked Abby back into the convention hall "You know I expected you two to get back together some day but not with your dates around the corner."

"Did Jake see that?"

"Did I see what?" Jake asked as he walked up and pulled Abby into a hug. Abby looked back at Carter as she rested her head on his chest and watched Wendall run into his arms.

"Nothing" Abby replied as she forced a smile "…nothing at all"

A couple days later in the ER

"Hey Abby can you take the kid with a broken ankle in curtain 4?" Pratt called out as he ran by to help a trauma.

"Are you sure you don't need help?"

"Yeah. The kid's been waiting over three hours."

"Got it covered" She started down the corridor to assess her newest patient when she spotted Carter coming toward her. As she turned to duck into the drug lock up, she heard her name.

"Abby!"

'Great' she thought to herself "I'm busy Carter."

"Hey we need to talk"

"About what?" She shrugged and continued toward curtain 4 again. Carter started to go after her but was stopped by Wendall.

"Hey did you need a consult?"

"Yeah…" He shot a quick look over in Abby's direction then escorted Wendall back to the exam room.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Lockhart. Could you tell me your name?"

"Timmy" he replied

"Well, you were right John. She was reluctant, but she's being beaten at home. We'll get her a foster family lined up." Wendall reported to Carter as she stepped out of the exam room.

"Good." John said as he rubbed his neck. "So do you want to grab Chinese tonight or just stay in and order a pizza?"

"oooo I don't know. Are those my only options?"

"Afraid so."

"I was kinda hoping for something Italian"

"Oh I forgot you're in training again!"

"Yup! Tell you what I'll cook us something at my place. What time are you off?"

"Ummm 5"

"Ok well I'm off at 3 so just stop by when you're done."

"You can count on it." He said as he leaned in to steal a kiss

Just then Abby walked by. She rolled her eyes and cleared her throat.

"Uhm!" Carter and Wendall just looked over at her.

"I need you to sign off on a few of my patients so they can go home." Abby said matter of factly.

"I'll see you later, John"

"Timmy broke his ankle when he fell…"

"Abby, wait."

"No. I'm done waiting" she said sharply

"Please, just coffee or something. What time are you off?"

"Carter…" Abby shifted her weight

"Hey guys!" Jake said as he rounded the corner. Carter stepped back

"Hey" Abby said as she tugged on his lab coat and gave him a quick kiss. Carter just looked away and waited.

"Sorry, were you guys busy?" Jake asked

"Actually…" Carter started

"We were just discussing some of my patients that need to be signed off." Abby finished

"Oh. Ok well I'm off now. I'll catch up with you later tonight then."

"Sounds good. I shouldn't be here too late tonight."

"Alright. Night Dr. Carter!"

"Night!" Carter replied.

"So about Timmy" Abby said as she handed him the chart. Carter decided not to push it any further.

Later that day, Carter was standing at the admit desk when he saw Abby turn in her charts and head into the lounge. He had to talk to her and get this mess sorted out.

"Abby" She heard from behind her

"Carter don't make this harder than it is." She didn't bother to turn around.

"I'm off now. All I want to do is talk." He heard her sigh then watched as she turned around with eyes pleading him to stop.

"It's not fair John."

"What's not fair?"

"I waited two years for you to acknowledge me again. Then the other night you expect me to just fall back into your arms and ride off into the sun set with you?"

"No." He answered quickly

"Then what do you want, Carter?" Abby asked as she threw her arms up

"I don't know." He answered out of frustration

They paused staring at each other for a moment.

"Talk to me when you know." Abby shut her locker and left for the day.

Back at Wendall's place Carter knocked on the door with a bouquet of flowers behind his back.

"Hey stranger" She said as she opened the door.

"Hey! I got you a little something"

"Oh John they're beautiful!" She took a moment to smell them then gave him a curious look "What did you do wrong?"

Carter just laughed "Are we so far a long that I can only bring you flowers if I'm apologizing."

Wendall smiled and shrugged "No, I like a surprise now and then." She gave him a quick kiss then went to put the flowers in water.

While she was standing at the sink, Carter came up behind her and put his arms around her waist.

"Dinner smells great!"

"Well spaghetti and frozen garlic bread isn't exactly the hardest thing to cook."

Carter watched her as she walked to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water. She was so right for him in so many ways. Abby's voice rang in his ears. 'What do you want, Carter?'

'I want to be happy' He whispered back to himself


	8. A late night visitor

Chapter 8 out of...many

A few nights later Abby heard a knock on her door.

"Carter, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk"

"I can't. Jake will be back soon." Abby started to close the door then stopped when she heard his cracking voice.

"It's Kem. She called today."

Carter dropped his head and Abby noticed a few tears welling up in his eyes. She knew she couldn't let him leave like this.

"Ok. Come on in" Carter walked past her and into her apartment. "Do you want anything to drink?" She asked as she pushed the door aside to close it.

"No." He said as he sat down on the couch. She came over to join him and they sat there in silence for a bit.

"How's she doing?"

"Good. Really good." He said with a fake smile. "Actually, she's getting married."

Abby's eyes got wide "Oh my gosh, Carter…"

"I thought…" He couldn't take it any more and started to cry

Abby leaned over and rubbed his back.

"It just made me think about how every thing should be. You know? I should be a father right now. More than anything… that's all I want" He shook his head "… I miss him so much"

Abby pulled him into a hug and tried to calm him down. She felt herself tearing up. Why did everything have to be so hard for him?

"Shhhh. It's going to be ok." They sat there for a while longer with Carter's head on Abby's shoulder. Finally, Carter sat up.

"I'm sorry."

"No, no it's okay" Abby tried to reassure him by rubbing his arm

Carter looked over at her again. "You always knew how make things better." He said staring longingly into her eyes. Abby gave him a friendly smile then stood up from the couch. "You know I was thinking about what you said." Abby turned and gave him a questioning look. "About what I want…" He paused and got up to move toward her then whispered softly. "I want you back Abby."

She bit her lip and then looked at him. "No" she said softly "No, Carter, I don't think you do."

Carter looked at her a bit confused. Then she stepped up to him and kissed him.

Just then Jake walked into the apartment. He had seen the door cracked open and walked in, but quickly stepped out when he saw Abby and Carter locked together, but they didn't notice him. He stood in the hallway a second, trying to figure out what he had just seen then decided it would be better to just walk away.

After a few more moments Abby gently pulled away. leaving Carter with no idea what to think.

"What did you see?"

He just stared at her for a bit then said "I saw us. Together and happy."

She sighed "I saw the past John." She stepped up to him and brushed his check. "I saw us living in the past."

"Abby…"

"Shhhhh." She hushed "Think about it. Think about how much has changed since we were together."

"I thought you said people never really change" He countered

"Ahhh, and that's still true…But just think about it."

They stood there silent for a while and just as Carter was about to speak, Abby put her hand on his lips to silence him.

"I loved you. We loved each other. And it was good. Then things were said that shouldn't have been said while other things were left unsaid that should have been said. It happens…It happened"

Carter nodded and a tear started down his cheek.

"You will always have a special place in my heart, and I have no doubt you loved me then. But do you really love me now? Would you really love me forever?" She whispered softly.

Carter stared at the ground. Unsure of what to do next.

"You can be happy again Carter."

His head shot up and he looked her straight in the eye. How did she know?

"You can't go into the past to make what happened go away."

"You seem so happy with Jake…"

"Yeah." She smiled "And for the record…I do love him."

Carter chuckled softly. "That's all I want. I guess I thought if I could get you back, being with you would take me back to happier times…before…"

"John, come here." Abby hugged him just as the tears began to fall. "You know…Wendall is an amazing woman Carter." She pulled him away and set him down on the couch. "Let her help you."

He looked back up at her.

"She loves you John. Any one can see that. She wants to help."

"You're right." Carter nodded "You're right." He sniffled and looked back over at her. She was smiling at him. He really did miss her, but she was right. Carter smiled and laid back on the couch.

She couldn't believe how exhausted he looked. He'd been through so much. "You can stay here tonight if you need to." She offered.

"Thanks."

"But you have to call Wendall first." She reached over and grabbed the phone. "We've all had enough drama for one day. Just let her know you're here and make sure she's okay with it." Carter smiled at her and started to dial.

Abby got up to find him some blankets and noticed the door was open. She was a bit startled but quickly walked over and shut it tight.


	9. A little misunderstanding

11pm (about three hours after Carter had come)

Abby was getting worried. Jake said he'd be home by nine. She smiled to herself as she thought of how cute he looked with the scruffy face these last few weeks of med school had given him. Glancing over at the couch where Carter was sleeping so peacefully, she let her memory creep back to those good old days for a bit. Things had been hard, and maybe Carter was right in his letter, it was all too much work. She sighed to herself.

Where could he be? His voice mail picks up when she calls his cell. "Hey it's Abby. Just call me back when you get this."

12am Abby calls the hospital…No one has seen Jake

1am Abby tries his cell again. "Hey! Umm it's Abby again…listen" she sighed apprehensively "I'm just getting really worried over here and mostly…I miss you…please call back soon. K?" She listened to the silence as if he'd answer her right away then finally gave up. "Bye."

2am Where is he! Abby paced the apartment and bit her lip. Maybe the med students went out for one final bash before graduation…or…She didn't even want to think of the 'or' She'd been there and she didn't even want to think…but she couldn't help but think what if. Her eyes started to water as thoughts of Loose, C, and little c came back to her.

The gun.

"Hey…"

Abby jumped. It was only Carter. Her eyes started to water

"Whoa whoa, clam down. Have you been up this whole time?"

"Yeah…Jake hasn't come back yet…" she bit her thumb

"I'm sure he's fine Abby, it's only…2am?" He looked back at her and saw her eyes tearing "Abby, I'm sure he's fine." He repeated reassuringly

"Can you really be sure?"

He stopped himself "No, no I guess I can't" he said softly

"This isn't like him"

"Hey, hey come here" Carter held her close and let her catch her breath. Then they heard the door open. It was Jake.

"Oh I thought you two were done. I guess I'll just go." He said

"Jake!" Abby ran out after him.

"No no! Go back to your dream man Abby. I'll just…"

Abby grabbed him and kissed him. Jake was having trouble shifting emotional gears and wasn't sure what to do. "Shut up" She said to him then kissed him harder. Finally Jake caught on and kissed back, but she stopped and hit him on the shoulder.

"Ow!" He yelped

"Don't you ever do that to me again!" She said

"Whoa! Hang on…" Jake was completely lost and confused.

"Well…I think this is my cue to leave." Carter said as he stepped into the hallway with his coat. "Thanks again Abby"

"Anytime" she smiled back

"Wait just a second." Jake said looking at Abby "When I came back at 8:30…"

"You came back?"

"Yeah…"

"Here?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure because I defiantly saw you and Carter…"

"No."

Jake shrugged "Yeah… and I'm still really confused. What exactly is going on here?"

Abby smiled "Come on inside and I'll explain everything." She kissed him softly and nodded toward the apartment.


	10. The big event

Jake's Graduation day in early June…

"Are you ready?" Abby asked

"No" he stammered

Abby just laughed "You'll be fine. Stop shaking so much!"

Jake took a deep breath and looked into her eyes "You know that I love you right?"

Abby smiled gave him a quick kiss "You've told me at least five times today. Are you ok?"

"Never better. Just thought I'd check. Ok here I go."

"Good Luck."

"Oh my Gosh it's a beautiful day!" Susan exclaimed

"But keep his hat on. The weather could change in a second." Chuck said as he handed Cosmo over to Susan.

Susan just smiled and rolled her eyes "Look there's Abby!"

"Hey guys!"

"Hey! I thought you were going to be late."

"No just thought I'd wish him good luck one more time."

"Alright well the rest of the gang is over there toward the front."

"Ok, are you guys coming?"

"Yeah" Chuck answered "I just need to grab another blanket from the back of the van. I think the wind is picking up."

"We'll be there in a minute. Hurry up and grab a seat!" Susan said

As Abby approached the group she was surprised how many people had gotten time off from the ER to watch Jake graduate. Sam, Luka, and Alex we're all dressed up along with Neela and Gallant. Carter even made it but she didn't see any sign of Wendall. There were three seats left. Two next to Neela and of course one next to Carter at the end of the aisle.

"Hey" Abby said

"Hey! Need a seat?" asked Carter

"Wendall isn't coming?"

"No she couldn't get the day off."

"Oh." Abby took her seat just as the ceremony started

"You must be proud of him"

"He worked really hard for it. Maybe he'll finally get to bed at a decent time." Carter chuckled. Abby looked over at him.

"You seem really happy today."

"Yeah, actually I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time." He smiled back at her.

'How long is a long time?' She wondered to herself. 'He was happy with me right? Well, not that it matters…he's happy' Abby shook it off and smiled back at him as the first professor stood to speak.

The different speakers got up and said their piece one by one and finally the diplomas were distributed. As Jake's name was called, everyone in their section stood up and applauded. The ceremony ended and mass confusion engulfed the crowd. Finally she spotted him.

"Jake!" Abby called out

"Abby! There you are" Jake came jogging over to her after saying bye quickly to a friend.

"See you did just fine!" Abby smiled as he wrapped her up in a huge bear hug

"Yup! Just one more thing left" Jake smiled at her, he was still shaking a bit

"What?"

"Well you have to see the diploma to be sure I graduated right?" He winked at her

Abby smiled "Oh of course! Here let me see" She giggled at his boyish pride but her eyes widened when she opened it up to find it wasn't a diploma at all! Instead it said…

'WILL YOU MARRY ME?'

Abby stood breathless at Jake's side. "Abby" Jake said as he gently turned her toward him "I know we haven't been together all that long, and we probably still have a lot to learn. But ever since that night when I thought you and Carter were back together and you told me that he was a part of your past and that I could be the future…well, I couldn't agree more. You told me you love me that night for the first time, and I've never felt so sure of anything in my life." Jake went down to one knee "Abigail Lockhart, will you marry me?"


	11. Slip of the tongue

Author's note: A big THANK YOU to those who have replied and also to anyone reading my little carby/jabby dilemma:-) I love hearing your responses to the story. Anyway on with the show…

Abby smiled to herself. She hadn't expected this, but some how she had. When was the last time she was proposed to? She smiled fondly to herself as she remembered the helicopter flying over head and the wind it created swirling all around them. And that goofy, goofy smile on Carter's face! His expression was priceless! She laughed slightly.  
"Abby?" She looked back at Jake and realized she needed to make a decision.  
"Jake…wow, I don't know what to say!"  
"How about 'yes'?" He smiled up at her as he pulled out a rose and a beautiful diamond ring.  
She smiled slightly 'this could work' she thought to herself. Even though she knew she wasn't 100 sure, she decided it was time to take a risk. "Yes"  
Jake beamed with excitement and caught her in a kiss while standing up. Then he took her hand and slipped the ring on and kissed it while she smiled back at him. But she noticed someone over Jake's shoulder back about twenty yards, it was Carter. She smiled at him, and she could tell he was forcing a smile back at her. Jake pulled her into a kiss, and everything around her seemed to disappear in that instant. Everything except for one thing that she couldn't seem to shake.  
"Abby! Jake! Congratulations!" Susan yelled out as she ran toward them  
Jake pulled away and when Abby opened her eyes she saw the whole ER gang surrounding them. Luka patted Jake on the back as Sam and Susan admired Abby's ring. Neela and Gallant offered their congratulations as well while Carter leaned against an oak tree. She was so excited, and he realized he was happy not just for her, but because of her. He thought of his failed attempt only about two years ago. 'She would have said yes' he thought to himself. But now she finally got the proposal she deserves. He kicked a dandelion aside, straightened his tie, then made his way over to congratulate the man of the hour.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BE….  
Abby moaned as she hit the alarm and knocked it off her night stand. She squinted a bit and reached out her hand to find it when she noticed the ring on her finger. It was beautiful, and she didn't even want to think of what Jake must have gone through to afford something this nice. It wasn't as big as the one she had found in Carter's pocket but it still shimmered in the morning light.  
"Abby come back to bed." Jake whispered as he put his arm around her waist.  
"Sorry I knocked the alarm clock off the stand."  
"Again?" He joked. She glared at him with a playful smirk on her face then hit him with a pillow. "Hey! Hey!" She giggled as he threw the pillow to the side and pulled her into a kiss. The kiss deepened in passion until he broke it off and began placing soft kisses down her neck.  
Their breathing became heavier as she moaned under her breath "John…"  
She froze.  
"What?" Jake asked


	12. Back to the river

Carter stood at the edge of the river with icee in hand. He loved this time of year. Not too hot not too cold, especially in the afternoon. The city was so pretty at night, but the cool breeze against the summer sun and the sound of kids laughing just seemed to reenergize him. Wendall should be in Florida by now. He should have known things wouldn't work out with her. There was too much history on his end and she could only understand so much of it. He sighed to himself and ran the list of charities through his head again that were petitioning for a small piece of the Carter funds. How had Gamma managed it all he asked himself? His eyes moistened a little at the thought of her. There were arrangements to be made and meetings to attend. He scanned the banks and did a double take when he spotted Abby only a few yards away.

She kept replaying the scene in her head. They were deep in the moment and he was so close it was like they were one. And in that moment of perfection why was it that Carter's name had come out of her mouth?

'_What_?' his voice rang in her ears '_John? Is that all I am to you? A stand in for the man you lost? What was it you called him? oh no no I remember the man of your dreams!'_

She didn't know what to say at the time. She wanted to say she was sorry that it was a mistake, but none of that seemed to fit. Sitting there in silence staring at that one damn flower on the pattern of her bed spread. '_Abby are you even listening to me!'_ She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. Then he moved away to get out of the bed. At that moment she felt so alone it hurt to breath

'_Jake, wait' _She had pleaded softly _'Please Jake I didnt...I...'_ She felt her eyes tearing up again. She stared out at the river then let her head drop.

He left. What did she expect him to do really?

"Hey" She heard from behind her.

"Hey Carter" He was strolling up to her and she hurried to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Nice day huh?"

"Yeah" She sniffled as she forced a smile and focused on a lone boat out on the water.

Carter tilted his head to get a better look at her. "hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" She shook her head and looked down at the ground.

Carter laughed a bit "Come on Abby you know you can't get away with that." She didn't answer him. He put his hand on her back and she jerked away.

"No, Carter. Really, I'm fine."

"If you need to talk..."

"Well I don't" She snapped at him as she warned him off with a glare in her eyes. But in that moment of eye contact she withered. His eyes could see right through her and she didn't need that, not now anyway. That was the last thing she needed. She quickly looked back down at her hands on the railing and her ring shimmering in the sun. "Please just go" she whispered.

But how could he? He gazed at her. This certainly wasn't the first time he'd seen her so broken. He wanted to hold her again, to protect her from all that was able to hurt her. But that wasn't his job anymore. She had made that clear. He couldn't help it though, even though he knew he had to let her go. Even though he knew she had moved on. He just couldn't stop loving her.

She shifted her weight and looked off in the other direction as the tears started to form in her eyes again. Carter turned and walked to the trashcan just a couple steps away and threw his cup away. He stood there just out of her sight, but she could feel him near. She always had. He'd always been there and some how she knew he always would be.

Abby turned around slowly to face him with her head still hanging low. She looked so exhausted but from what? She tossed her hair back and shrugged as she said "Jake and I had a fight" Carter nodded silently.

"What about?"

She looked straight at him and didn't say a word 'No way' Carter thought to himself.

"I need you out of my head Carter. I'm engaged to a wonderful man now!" She threw her hands up in frustration "But you won't go away!" A tear trickled down her check. "I can't..." she sighed

Carter walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. She shook her head and stepped back. "I need you out." Her eyes were pleading with pain. "I can't live like this anymore, John. It's like part of me is still waiting for you and I can't get myself to catch up." She twisted her engagement ring. "It's killing Jake inside and I can't watch him suffer anymore." Carter's stomach was turning into knots. "Please, if you still love me, please just...go." She shook her head and bit back the tears as she turned to walk toward County.

Carter couldn't take it any more. He didn't need to be torn around like this and it was time he spoke his mind.

"Abby!" He ran to catch up with her and grabbed her by the back of her arm. "Wait!" He whipped her around to face him.

"Carter..."

"No! You listen now!" She stared back at him "You think you're the only one struggling with this! This...feeling that has been sitting in the pit of my stomach for two years? Like I've missed out on my one chance? Do you really honestly think..." Abby tried to pull away

"No! No more walking Abby!" He took hold of both of her arms and looked straight at her even though she tried to look away. "I can't just pretend like I don't wish things had been different, and trust me if I could get _you_ out of _my_ head I would have done it a long time ago too." He stopped to catch his breath and shook his head "You say you love Jake now"

"I do love him!" she cut him off quickly

"Then why are we doing this again! Why are we back here again!"

Abby turned to face the river again and let the wind blow back her hair. She couldn't tell if she hated him so much she loved him, loved him so much she hated him, or if she should just throw him in the river now and get it over with.

"Listen," he tried to calm himself down "I'll have to accept that you love Jake just like I forced you to accept that I loved Kem." Abby crossed her arms and clenched her jaw. 'Don't even go there' she though to herself. "But you can't just come up to me and tell me to go away! Go where Abby! And how! Please tell me how to get there and I'll buy the one way ticket now!" Abby started out to the horizon, doing everything possible to keep him out. She'd finally gotten her wall up again and she wasn't about to let him knock it down. Not this time. Carter just stared at her with a mixture of frustration, hate, pain, confusion and worst of all love. "You know you think you have everything figured out. But tell me this Abby, what do _you_ want?" Abby turned her head to look at him.

She really didn't know anymore. They stood there in silence, eyes locked and fixed on the other.

"I have to get to work" she finally said and walked past him

Carter watched her walk off into the distance, picked up a pebble and launched it as far into the river as he could. Over the water, into the distance, lost in a journey with no end.


End file.
